The gut wrenching pain of knowing I can never be as wise, logical or inspiring as she was. To more people than I knew existed on Earth. To feel stuck in the midst of a conflict zone where there is a bias. She never chose one over the other. Yet, the bias seems pretty obvious to one and not the other. It hurts so much that there are days I want to just stop and yell out. "she loved us both."
Now that she is gone, I have no proof. Just a strong will to try my best to correct the wrong belief.
How do I correct this when time and time again it comes up before I am able to wrap my head around what is going on in that moment? How do I explain that the only reason it seems so is because I am more docile and that I know when to shut up.
What do you do when you are stuck between a rock and a hard place or the devil and the deep blue sea or your father and your sister?
How do I tap into that incredible strength she had, the incredible understanding of humanity that put things in perspective?
How do I assure the two of them that I am not choosing sides and that I just want to be. How do I break the sense of utter loneliness that prevails when there is the usual misunderstanding because they chose different ways to get to the same point?
Where do I find the strength??? Can she channel it to me thru something? Must I do it by myself. I feel too young to deal with it even though I am not. How do I do it???